My first tendency, sadly, is often towards self-destruction. For the first time in 15 or 20 years, this morning I actually thought I might like to smoke a joint. Then I thought I'd like to get a carry permit.
Of course, neither is a viable option for the person I am, and the only reason I mention them is because they reveal the psychic and emotional mayhem that is upon me. I'm struggling to not let 60 years of stuffed rage boil over. Didn't we go through this when we, as little kids, integrated schools in the 60s?!?!? Why are we going through it again, since even back then we knew we had to work together to change for the better???
I can't watch TV or listen to the news. I'm walking around in a fog like some kind of zombie. It does occur to me that maybe this is the way the racists felt during the Obama years. Maybe our last eight years were an unimaginable horror for people who thought the 50s and 60s were when America was "great," and who envision a great nation of straight, white, male-led, chaste-female-populated (wait. Would Melania be disqualified?), non-physically challenged -- maybe we should just say Aryan? -- people who are unwaveringly conservative in both their social and theological viewpoints. The country has just resoundingly indicated it wants to go back to those times, and I'm just not doing it.
So now I'm struggling to find a positive, peaceful, and productive way to indicate that. And I will. There's so much to process, and right now if I let go of the numbness, that 60 years worth of stuffed rage resurfaces.
And as long as I'm aware and in control of it, maybe that's not such a bad thing. Whether socially, psychically, or spiritually, we are clearly in a battle now. I was a good enough martial artist that I always fought above my belt level. I'm remembering that my most effective fighting style was to take a hit or two (not too many or too hard) while studying my opponent and letting them think they had the upper hand. Then when they got sloppy and overconfident, I'd execute and usually decimate them, even above my belt level. Thinking back on those days, I remember a line from a Stephen Segall movie: "We're outgunned and undermanned, but we're gonna win. Know why? Superior Attitude. Superior State of Mind."
Superior Attitude. Superior State of Mind. I ain't quite there yet, but I will be soon. I'm in the corner for a minute, but this is just round one. We just getting started.
