My cheeks hurt from grinning...

Yeah, I'm officially excited. Ninety six hours from now, I'm scheduled to be in the air, headed to Rome and from there to Cairo. It'll be my second time to Egypt, second time to Jordan, and third to Israel/Palestine.

As much as I am happy to be going back, I'm also aware that I'm on a tour and will be seeing places I've seen before. Thankfully, it's a very small group, so there may exist the possibility for me to go exploring a bit on my own, especially since I intend to buy local sim cards for my phone and will be able to stay in close communication with the group leader.

So as amazing as the trip is, or as I'm expecting it to be, that's not what has me grinning. What has me grinning is the realization that God has blessed my life with such abundance. I mean, I'm the unplanned high school baby who almost interfered with her parents' graduation. Yet I've managed to have some of the finest education the world can offer (Milton, Duke with a stint at Oxford, T-Bird, and NYTS. They're all cutting edge in their fields).

I almost drowned as a kid, and now I swim regularly. Until recently, I'd never taken very good care of my body, yet have managed to survive breast cancer, diabetes, arthritis, and a host of other infirmities. Fortunately, the idea of regular physical exercise was implanted in me early, even though I never followed through on it. But it makes it easier for me to prioritize things now, and easier to stick with some of the choices I make: nah, I don't especially want to go to dinner and a movie with you. But let's move together -- let's go for a swim or a walk or something.

 

 

And I'm especially grateful for the discipline of physical exercise, since I've recently been blessed with an automobile. I didn't have to pay a penny for it, and only have to pay to park it at home (if I choose) and put gas in it. I was walking back from the drugstore earlier and passed by a crowded bus. It hit me how INCREDIBLY privileged I am to have use of this car -- and the fact that it's a hybrid helps me to maintain remnants of both social and financial integrity. It seems that for driving back and forth to work, church, and the gym, traveling from site to site, and running errands, it uses about a quarter tank of gas per week. So I fill up every payday, whenever it hits half a tank, or whenever I remember. I'd had the car about three months before I could remember what side the gas tank was on. Oh, and filling it up from halfway costs $30 - $40, depending on where I am (Jersey is significantly cheaper for gas, but since the tolls have gone up, if you're not already in Jersey, it's not always cost effective).

But all my blessings aren't material, by any means. When I'm driving in the car, I hook up the iPhone to the car and play Pandora through the stereo system. That has made me stop my thoughts about buying Sirius or XM radio; this is free, and has less commercials. So even though I'm driving around and having moments, praising God and getting happy in the car, I'm still very much the carnal person, as evidenced by my response to traffic. It just brings out the worst in me. Sometimes I can be calm and soothed by the sound or substance of the music I hear, but it seems I'm not mature enough to get past rude drivers, even though I can often be one. I can be as impatient and unforgiving (and as resourceful) as the worst New York drivers; but I'm also having moments of intentionality, where I focus on treating others as I'd like to be treated. I still have lots of work to do there.

In my rational moments, I'm very much aware of the fact that I, who have been spared by God's grace, am not even able to be gracious to my fellow drivers. Quite a humbling realization. As I grow in grace, I become increasingly aware of how my actions reflect my professed faith. It's not just about realizing the disconnect between what I say and how I drive; it's about realizing, as Pastor Morgan Guyton, in his "Mercy not Sacrifice" blog, reminds us: that "my brokenness is what qualifies me to love and serve other broken people." He also reminds me that "my passion can turn into arrogance when I don't have enough loving friends around to call me out." I resonated with Pastor Guyton's statement that he's learning to be "less ideological and subordinate everything else that I believe to trusting in God’s love." That's what I needed to be reminded of.

Pastor Guyton talked about how some of us substitute a sort of "trolling for Christ" for evangelism, because we effectively show other people how they're wrong and we're right. I haven't been doing that with evangelism, but I have sorta been doing that with my church. Yes, my church has some serious issues, and yes, I speak on and want to address those issues, but when I read Pastor Guyton's blog, I got a little convicted because it got me to thinking. If I criticize my church without being part of the solution, am I not also guilty of the sort of self-affirmation that we Christians often substitute for the Good News?

It just got me to thinking. God has been SOOOO incredibly good to me. Wouldn't it be a great thing to share that joy with others, unconditionally, unqualified, without adding in the "buts" and all the other exceptions?

This may not make a lot of sense to anyone but me; I was deeply moved by Morgan Guyton's blog on "Trolling vs. Evangelism." It got me thinking. My whole life should be about evangelism -- sharing that Good News. I wonder how much of it, intentionally or not -- is, effectively, about trolling?

Another area for growth. In the meantime, I'm still grinning, and hoping you are, too!