I Hear You Say

These have been interesting days. A dear friend has taken quite ill quite rapidly, and the prognosis is not a happy one. As a matter of fact, as I’m writing this, he’s being transferred to hospice care. While I believe and all my experiences with death, dying, and near-death experiences lead me to believe that the soul returns Home after transitioning from the flesh, I feel the same sadness all mortals feel when our loved ones depart this world.

The person is the father of friends, and the family is an incredibly close-knit one – so much so that they’ve opened their arms and welcomed me as one of their own. No matter how much I try to adopt my pastoral role, I often find this situation gives me the same emotional kick in the gut that the transitioning of my own ancestors gave me.

So that’s going on in the background. I’m having some issues with my hip and am wondering if the arthritis is becoming more aggressive, though as I noted to someone, I’ve not yet been concerned enough to make a doctor’s appointment, and I’m not concerned enough to stop swinging kettlebells. It’s just more of the “stuff” that goes on in the background.

Then I come in to work today. Been away for a coupla days, and come in early, all excited to do followups, both with people I met and through implementing some of the ideas from the conference. I pick up the phone. I get a normal dial tone and dial the number. The phone goes dead. I repeat the process while waiting for my computer to power up. I notice it’s taking longer than usual. I wait, then reboot. Still doesn’t completely go into Windows. I finally put two and two together and take out the network cable. Computer boots right up.

This is not good. By then was only about 9:15 am.

It’s now 3:51, and I finally have some limited internet access, but I've missed the 3:30 teleconference (which I scheduled because I didn't want to be out of the office yet another day). It’s a bit hard for me, having cut my tech teeth in some of the nation’s best-known and most profitable law firms, to realize that my organization’s ability to access the internet depends on the weather. We have old copper wiring and lose internet connectivity whenever it rains.  I'm accustomed to my workplace being 5 or 10 times faster than my home internet, but we have copper wiring here, and I have FiOS at home, so the situation is reversed.  Of course, ex-tech that I am, I have a workaround, which is all I will say here.

I’m concerned about our organization, I’m concerned about decisions that need to be made, and even though I realize God has called me to this place at this time, I also realize that I could bump my pay by about 50% and get a lot more perks if I went back to corporate. I have no intention of doing that, but the idea lingers at the edges of my consciousness, and I still check the waters from time to time.

Then I have this inane conversation with someone about church politics and sexual orientation. This had (has?)  been an ongoing issue in our church; while there is still a disconnect between what we state our Church policy is and what we allow as behaviors from our church leaders, at the end of the day, unless I’m trying to get busy with you, I’m probably not interested in how or with whom you’re getting your love on. I don’t think, though, that you can say some people can break the same rules you will use to disqualify or dismiss others. I think that’s just wrong, and it tends to make me angry, just on principle. While I am bothered by injustice and hypocrisy in the church, I also realize that it’s an organism full of human people, including myself, all of whom have character defects. Remaining with a particular body of believers is a choice.

So I’m at the office and there’s all this stuff floating around in the background while I'm trying to focus on strategic planning. I’m thinking, “God, I don’t know. I know You’ve blessed me, and I’m grateful for that. I know the race isn’t given to the swift or to the strong, but to the one who endures to the end. I see you've been holding my hand every step of the way, and yet, in the midst of my gratitude, I still feel something’s off." 

Oh, my satellite radio finally died. It’s under warranty, so I took it back to get a new one, only to find I have to call a number, wait for them to send me a mailer, send it back, and then wait for them to email me a voucher (by which time my subscription will probably be up and it’s unlikely I’ll renew for another year), so the unit is sitting in a bag on the living room floor. And because I’m already pulling my whole internet connection through my phone, I decided not to stream Sirius; instead I decided to play the songs on the phone.

And that’s when this Joann Rosario song played:

I cannot express to You What this means to me
That You would leave Your throne above the clouds
To come and talk to me So much has been going on
That I don't understand But when the weight seems heavy
I listen closely

I hear You say

I'll fight your battles

I hear You say

You are not alone

Oh my God

Hold me close to Your heart

And breathe life into my soul

Now I can look back and I remember
Your faithfulness to me always the same
Take my hand, walk me through this journey
So my life will bring glory to your name
Oh Lord we declare...

Oh Lord we declare...

Lord we declare

You'll fight our battles

Lord we declare

Your blood will overcome

Victory is already given

And we sing glory to Your name

Joann Rosario may be singing it, but I Hear The Lord Say: "I’ll Fight your Battles. No Weapon Formed Against You Will Prosper. By the Blood You Will Overcome...."  It's like life is a Bosu Ball, and God's Word strengthens my core (yeah, I know there's a sermon in there).  When I focus on the Word, then just for a little bit longer, I can find my balance.  When I focus on His Word, I find I have the core strength to endure and can stand on His Promises just a little while longer.  And the more I do it, the better I get at it, and the stronger I become.  So I'm grateful for the baby steps today, grateful for the balance today.  . 

Yes, Lord. I hear You say it!