What I see is a form of vengeance

“I see only the perishable.”
“I see nothing that will last.”
“What I see is a form of vengeance.”
“Is this the world I really want to see?”

Thoughts on this later.

I am determined to see thngs differently

Today's exercise is very cool. It's about intentionally changing our perspective. It's unfortunate I didn't attempt this earlier, and I may end up carrying it over til tomorrow (though I have to be careful not to procrastinate too much. I'm noticing that as the work challenges my old ways of thinking and perceiving more and more, that I "forget" to do my readings and make my postings more and more. hm....) So today's exercise has me focusing on the things that anger or annoy me (and they are many), and repeating that " I am determined to see (whatever the thing is) differently." It even gets more specific, in that “I am determined to see _____ [specify the situation] differently.” and even I am determined to see _____ [specify the attribute] in _____ [name of person] differently.”


As another program I know tells me, the only thing I can really change are MY attitudes and MY behaviors, so let me get to work on changing MY attitudes about things, remembering that what I think I see is not reality, but only my perception of reality. If I am determined to see people or things or attributes of people differently, then what I'm really determined to do is to change my attitudes and my behaviors (reactions, which I take as perceptions) towards those people or things or attributes.

And though the Course doesn't tell me this, I believe that as I have the desire to make the adjustments, the Holy Spirit will give me the strength and the means. "Create in me a clean heart, and renew a right spirit within me" is what comes to mind. I want to get better, and while I can have the willingness and the determination, the ability to perceive differently, the ability to tap into that source of Divine Vision, is a gift that will be bestowed on me from above.

I am determined to see the Liberty's loss differently.

I am determined to see

Didn't post yesterday... Which is interesting, since today's lesson involves an intentional change. Today I have to, twice an hour, repeat to myself that I am determined to see. This, of course, implies that I do not see now, but the Course tells me that my ability to see is necessary for the salvation of the world.

“I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts.”

This is a bit like yesterday's post, and begins to account for the issue I had, which is the commonality of thought. How do we collectively see the same illusion? The Course says a couple of things I need to sit with. 1) it says that thinking and its results are simultaneous. It says they are because cause and effect are never separate, but I wonder if our limited concept of time bears on this conversation? In other words, we think of time linearly so we perceive a cause and effect relationship. If time is in fact not linear, then I guess I could more fully grasp the concept of thinking and its results being simultaneous. 2) The course says that minds are all joined, there is no privacy of thought, and this is the way it must be if salvation is possible.

So when I say "create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me," it's not selfish because I'm praying for the cleansing and renewal of all humankind?

Today's exercise has me stop and be with the thought that: “I am not alone in experiencing the effects of this thought about ___.”

So I'm not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts about the Liberty's ability to win a championship. At the same time, I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts about the Liberty never having won a championship. I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my thoughts about the Liberty's ability to win a championship...

We'll see how this plays out tonight....

On another note, I had a chat today with my contact in Jerusalem with whom I'm planning a CME Israel trip for 2011. It looks like it will be the first couple of weeks of November. I am excited!!!

I am not alone in experiencing the effects of my seeing.

While I don't understand this intellectually, I can kinda get with it. If what we're seeing is all the creation of our thoughts and is unreal, how is it that we're all seeing the same "unreality?" It's the sameness that's bugging me. I guess it's like a grand illusion -- if a whole roomful of people sees a magician cut a woman in half and they all gasp, it doesn't mean the woman is actually in two pieces -- it means that everyone in the the room thought she was cut into two pieces. They collectively experienced the illusion and collectively experienced the effects of the illusion. This is still more work on HOW we see things.

On a different note, it's been too long since I posted anything other than ACIM stuff here. Last night I had the weirdest dream: I dreamed that some pro ball player (she was female, but had a moustache) was having issues using a touchscreen ATM. She got up to the part where they needed a PIN, and I don't know what happened, but I ended up helping her with the PIN, and she asked me out. I think I woke up then.

And no, it wasn't anyone on the Liberty. Tomorrow night I'm going to the Garden to watch them in the playoffs! To incorporate the Course, I guess I should say that my thoughts about the Liberty are not neutral or unimportant. There are a lot of people in NY whose minds are joined regarding the NY Liberty. We shall see what our shared perception gives rise to!

I see no neutraal things.

Once again, we're trying to change the way we think about and perceive the universe, with the understanding that we have the power to create the universe in which we live. It isn't the Real universe, but the more we can remove ourselves and let the Divine in, the closer (I think) we come to being able to appreciate The Divine.

The text says that we see no neutral things because we have no neutral thoughts. In keeping with the statement that we create our reality, it is the Thought that comes first, and not the "thing" about which we think. The text says that "If it were not so, perception would have no cause, and would itself be the cause of reality. In view of its highly variable nature, this is hardly likely." I guess the text and Descartes would be at odds, huh?

I have no neutral thoughts

This is more on the theme of thoughts having power. The entire world is a result of our thoughts; its reality is not separate from our thoughts. As we think, we either reflect (false) thoughts or we create a new "reality."

"Idle Thoughts" do not exist. Thoughts have power, and every thought contributes either to truth or illusion. There was a situation in my office that was causing me great annoyance. I asked for some copies, didn't receive them quickly enough, and heard a good deal of chatter coming from the people tasked with doing the copying. My initial response was annoyance, so I had to take a moment to remind myself that my perception (people not doing the work I assigned to them and chatting instead) was merely something I had created in my mind. It was not reality. Then I tried to do today's meditation, that I have no neutral thoughts. I broke it down and noted that my thought about the people, my thought about the workflow, and my thought about people's inclinations to doing the work, were all not neutral thoughts.

Since my thoughts were not neutral, and since they have power, the next step (I thought) was to make those non-neutral thoughts into positive thoughts. Before I could do that, the copies were brought to my desk.

The take-away from this is that our thoughts have power, and they are not neutral. We may think they are, but no thought is neutral. Every thought "brings either peace or war; either love or fear. A neutral result is impossible because a neutral thought is impossible."

So that's the lesson for today.

My thoughts are images which I have made

OK, so I'm a little confused again. I get the whole illusory perception thing, that we do not perceive Reality, or The Ultimate Truth; we preceive only an image or understanding of Reality which we have crafted with our limited and finite capacity for perception. I get that. The next step, then, is to understand that my thoughts are also images which I have made.

I understand that we're moving from a deconstruction of everything I thought I knew -- emptying my cup. And I guess the task now is to understand that my thoughts, which are not representative of reality, and only have the meaning I have attached to them, are images I have made.

The Bible tells us that the power of life and death lies in the tongue. The Bible also tells us that we: "demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" (2 Cor, 10:5). I think this is part of that process. During my 50+ years of life, I have had all kinds of thoughts. Those are MY thoughts, coming from MY mind, and while I have always considered them completely valid, and as much as I like to think I have all the answers, what I have to understand is that my thoughts may not have anything to do with God's reality.

When I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm having all kinds of feelings -- they are my feelings, but they may not reflect the Ultimate Reality. They reflect MY reality, but my reality, my thoughts, are images I have made. I think that's how two people can look at the same thing and come away with different perceptions of it - our perceptions are just that: our perceptions, our images that we have made to reflect Reality. But they are not Reality; they just represent It to us.

I kinda grasp this, but may need some more time with it....

God did not create a meaningless wolrld

OK, here's another one I don't get. The text says a meaningless world is impossible. A meaningless world is impossible because everytthing that exists, exists as God created it. I guess the assumption is that God does not create anything without meaning. I get it that the world I see is full of meanings I have given it; I just don't see the logical connection between that and God not creating anything withoug meaning. What about the platypus?

But the exercise is to teach me to let go of my perceptions of the world and see the Word of God in place of my perceptions. The text says that "The early steps in this exchange, which can truly be called salvation, can be quite difficult and even quite painful. Some of them will lead you directly into fear." Not sure I get that either, but while I was getting my hair done today (and the lady was all frazzled and doing other things, when I started to get annoyed I repeated the meditaiton for the day: “God did not create a meaningless world. He did not create [specify the situation which is disturbing you], and so it is not real."

I'll stay with this; it's challenging, but I'll stay with it.

A meaningless world engenders fear

I missed posting yesterday (although the Liberty won their 10th game in a row). This work is starting to get really annoying now, probably because it's challenging me on some gut level.

The thought for today is that a meaningless world engenders fear. The last lesson asserted that I am upset because I see a meaningless world. While I can accept that the world is meaningless and has only the meaning I attach to it, I don't understand the upset part. I don't understand upset as being unhappy about it, and I don't even understand upset as being off-balance about it. The world is meaningless and has only the meaning I attach to it. I'm OK with that.

So then the thought that a meaningless world engenders fear does not resonate with me. A world without meaning is a world without meaning. There is no fear, there is no response at all -- it's neither good nor bad, it's what it says it is: without meaning. At least that's how I think. What this material says is that I will be likely to think I perceive something that has no meaning, and that "recognition of meaninglessness arouses intense anxiety in all the separated ones. It represents a situation in which God and the ego "challenge" each other as to whose meaning is to be written in the empty space that meaninglessness provides. The ego rushes in frantically to establish its own ideas there, fearful that the void may otherwise be used to demonstrate its own impotence and unreality. And on this alone it is correct."

Not so sure I get that, and maybe that's where I have to do my work. I think I can accept meaningless as just that. The course seems to have as a presupposition that the ego will always attempt to impose meaning on things that appear not to have meaning. OK. I guess more will be revealed.

Now what the course says next is that it is essential for me to learn to recognize the meaningless and to accept it without fear. I have no fear of the meaningless, so perhaps I don't fully recognize it? The course says that people who are fearful will "endow the world with attributes that it does not possess, and crowd it with images that do not exist." OK, but if I'm not fearful, can I just work at perceiving and accepting the meaninglessness of this world?


I'm not going to spend time on this thought, but rather will go ahead with the exercise for today, which is to close my eyes, open them, look around and acknowledge that "I am looking at a meaningless world."

I'm spozed to close my eyes again and acknowledge that "A meaningless world engenders fear because I think I am in competition with God.
" I need to be with that one for a while.

The course actually says that I may be resistant to this last statement (I am), and that I should remind myself that the vengeance of the enemy is what makes me resistant. It says, rightfully so in my case, that "You are not expected to believe the statement at this point, and will probably dismiss it as preposterous. " It also tells me to note carefully any signs of overt or covert fear this may arouse.

So maybe I need to stop kidding myself and dig a little deeper. Or maybe I'm not one of the separated ones.

At any rate, this is supposed to be the beginning of "stating an explicit cause and effect relationship of a kind which you are very inexperienced in recognizing." It's a course, so I'm just gonna run with it. This is challenging, but interesting work....

I am upset because I see a meaningless world.

So according to ACIM (and this actually mirrors some of the work from The Forum from Landmark Education), our actions and reactions in life are to how life occurs for us -- to what we think we see in the world around us. But the meaning in the things we see is meaning that we have attached to things. The world in itself is meaningless. The only meaning it has is the meaning we give it. Yes, I know I'm repeating myself, but this concept sort of twists my brain as I try to grasp it, so I have to keep re-stating it.

For today's ACIM exercise, we just need to look at the world around us, slowly and methodically (the idea is to not give too much or too little attention to anything, because all "things" are of equal value). For instance, I can look out the window of my South Bronx office and say that "I think I see a sad world," or I can look from my Christian perspective and say "I think I see an evil world," or I can look from other perspectives and say "I think I see a fearful world," or "I think I see a dangerous world," or "I think I see a hostile world," or "I think I see a sad world," or "I think I see a crazy world." Or "I think I see a dirty world," "I think I see a greedy world," "I think I see a peaceful world," "I think I see a winning world," Whatever. The idea is to be with the perceptions I have about the world I see.

At the end, I need to interject that "I am upset because I see a meaningless world." Now, I don't really get this piece, but here's what the Course says: "What is meaningless is neither good nor bad. Why, then, should a meaningless world upset you? If you could accept the world as meaningless and let the truth be written upon it for you, it would make you indescribably happy. But because it is meaningless, you are impelled to write upon it what you would have it be. It is this you see in it. It is this that is meaningless in truth. Beneath your words is written the Word of God. The truth upsets you now, but when your words have been erased, you will see His. That is the ultimate purpose of these exercises."

So I'm attaching my meaning to things, and that causes me to be somewhere that is not in Perfect Peace. Again, this exercise is about breaking through my veil so that I may see The Truth clearly. This is a step, it seems, in emptying my cup. It's a very difficult step for me, but they say obedience is better than sacrifice, so I'm going to be obedient and go through this exercise.

My Meaningless Thoughts are showing me a Meaningless World

In baby marketing class, the first thing we learned was that "reality is not what is, but what is perceived to be." That seems to be the premise behind this step. While it may appear that one's reality is something external that is seen, today we explore the concept that our thoughts determine what we see. We really have to practice this idea carefully, because this is the key to our release. The key to forgiveness is inside this concept. This is the foundation for the peace, relaxation, and freedom from worry that we are trying to achieve.

This will be interesting when I go to the game tonight. I get all caught up in the game, and that's fine. I think that what I've got to remember is what happens on the court is not reality. What happens on the court has only the meaning I give it; in and of itself, it has no meaning. Huh? Well, if I weren't a basketball fan in an arena with other basketball fans, if I didn't know how to play basketball, if I wasn't attached to past thoughts about a ball and a hoop and people putting the ball into the hoop -- if I had not attached meaning to all these things because of past experiences, then what would tonight's game mean?

It's that way with everything, and until we can see through the veil of illusion, until we can see through the glass clearly rather than darkly, we are not seeing reality. When we see through a glass darkly, we see only a form, sometimes a distorted form, of what may be on the other side. Many times, we also see a reflection of ourselves in that glass. Imagine the possibilities if we could see clearly!

Let's go on the journey.

My thoughts do not mean anything.

This statement is true of any thought I'm aware of. That's because any thoughts I'm aware of are not my real thoughts. We've tried to make this distinction before and will make it again, but right now I don't have a basis for comparison.

Here's how it works: First we start with the idea that the thoughts of which I am aware are meaningless, starting from outside, and starting from the past. Now we are learning that the presence of these thoughts means I am not thinking. This is another representation of the statement tht the mind is a blank. To recognize this is to recognize nothingness when it is seen, and this is the prerequisite for true vision.

So several ltimes today, I'm to close my eyes, and repeat that my thoughts do not mean anything. Then I am to repeat that this idea will help release me from all that I now believe. I am to search my mind for all the thoughts available to me, without selection or judgement, avoiding classificaiton. As each thought crosses my mind, I think: My thought about ________ does not mean anything. This idea will help to relase me from all that I now believe.

"I see nothing as it is now."

OK, this work is starting to annoy me. I understand the concepts are supposed to be new, and the whole idea of DIY spiritual transformation from a book, while not exactly new, if attempted without support and direction, could be a bit challenging (think about how some people weird out when reading the Bible alone with no context).

So anyway, today's thought is "I see nothing as it is now." To apply this idea, first it is necessary to recognize that I don't understand it. The point of this is to practice these exercises, not to understand them.

A mind untrained in ACIM can't believe that it appears to picture that which is not there. Yet, that's all that's necessary to apply this idea. It's consistent with the idea (I think) that we create our own reality, that thoughts have power, that we are what we think, that if I can believe it I can achieve it, and so on. Each of these little exercises is designed to help get to the smooth continued application of these concepts; each of these small steps should clear a little of the darkness away, and finally, according to ACIM, unerstanding will come to lighten every corner of the mind that has been cleared of the debris that darkens it.

This is about looking around and applying the idea for the day to whatever I see, indiscriminately, excluding nothing. So I don't see this keypad as it is not. I don't see this screen as it is now. I don't see this tv as it is now. I don't see this shredder as it is now.

I'm heading to church. This should be interesting. I'm watching a giraffe who was born with her rear hooves turned inward. They've given her prosthetics so she could walk. She has pink and purple prosthetics on her hooves. But I don't see that as it is now.

My mind is preoccupied with past thoughts

The reason that I see only the past, at least according to ACIM, is that no one really sees anything. We only see our thoughts projected outward. We have these thoughts about the past because our ability to see is dependent on a misperception about time. The only time that exists is the present, but the mind cannot grasp the present. The mind, according to ACIM, cannot understand time or anything else.

The only true thought we can have about time is that it is not here. Therefore, to think about time is to think about illusions. We don't understand what it is to picture the past or anticipate the future; the mind is actually blank when it engages in these activities, because it is not thinking about anything.

So today we want to begin to train the mind to recognize when it is not thinking about anything. Thoughtless ideas preoccupy our minds, and this blocks out the truth. So the first step is to recognize that our minds have been blank (and it has not, in fact, been filled with real ideas). The concept for today is that we cannot actually see anything; no matter how vividly we may picture a thought, we cannot see anything. So we want to explore our minds, and take note of the thoughts that seem to be there. As we search our minds, we acknowledge that we seem to be thinking about x,y, and z, but that our mind is preoccupied with past thoughts.

This is sort of a difficult one for me. There are so many things passing through my mind, and it is difficult to stop the racing, analyze the thoughts and realize that they are not, in reality, new thoughts, but are projections of past thoughts and situations. This is a very empowering exercise, but difficult nonetheless.

We shall see.

I see only the past

This has to do with freeing the mind for true perception. It has to do with emptying my cup so I'm free to fully experience the moment, as opposed to continuing to experience my past experiences of situations. I kinda get it, I think, but it's a good exercise, both intellectually and spiritually. I hope to apply it throughout the day.

On another note,I'm about to make my final payment for the Israel trip in November. I'm really excited at the prospect, and there's a possibility I'll be traveling to Cairo by myself. That would be kinda awesome, too!!!

I need to get going. I see only the past, but want to open myself up to a present and a future without limits, full of miracles!!!

I am upset because I see something that is not there

I'm trying to get this one. It's part of the "reality is not what is, but what is perceived to be" thing. So I have thoughts and stuff going on, and they may cause me to feel upset. But if the things I see have no meaning other than the meaning I give them, then they have no power to "make" me upset. I choose to get upset, and not because of things I see immediately (which have no meaning), but because of things I have seen, things to which I have attached meaning, and because I've then transferred that meaning to the thing I'm seeing.

I think this is part of the process of clearing and cleansing my mind; emptying my cup so it can be filled with The Divine.

On another note, I had a wonderful time last night at Water Taxi Beach, hanging out with the NY Liberty. I got my first ticket to the playoff games (date yet to be determined), got some more autographs, played some miniature golf, and watched people play ping pong. I like miniature golf. I don't even keep score; I just like to hit the balls.

There are no small upsets;

they are all equally disturbing to my peace of mind. I am never upset for the reason I think. I am never angry, fearful, worried, depressed, anxious, jealous or hateful for the reason I think. The above are all manifestations of something other, something that is not a part of my Essence, so the task is to recognize and strip away those things which are "other" and allow the real me to come through... I cannot keep one form of upset and let the others go, so I am going to regard all upsets as the same, recognize that they are not authentic, and move on.

Again, I'm not advocating anything other than straight up Christianity -- following Jesus Christ and His message of Good News, of Salvation for all humanity. I go through these spiritual exercises from A Course In Miracles because I believe the Spirit, like any other part of the person, must be exercised to grow and mature. These meditations are a series of guided spiritual exercises. Just as I want to exercise my body for the rest of my life, I also want to exercise my spirit for the rest of my life.

These thoughts are meaningless

For a while now, I've been struggling with thoughts about a couple of people. These are people I deem to be rude, hurtful, deceitful, incompetent ... the adjectives don't reallly matter, because the thoughts don't really matter. My judging others is just that; MY judging. It is not their reality. And even though these people occur this way to me, it doesn't mean that's who they are -- it just means that's how I perceive them.

Just for today, I don't choose to let those perceptions bind me up and influence my moods, my thoughts, or my attitudes. Those perceptions have no power over me because they are meaningless.

So let me get on with the things I have to do today...

At the end of the day, I have to say how much this has been a beneficial process for me. The purpose of these meditations is to get myself out of the way so I can let the Essence of the Divine enter in. For a start, I have to remove my judgemental vision and let God do God's thing. No matter what we consider to be our level of spiritual maturity, there is always room for growth, and I am humbled to see what happens when I become intentional about getting out of the way and letting God work.

Thanks, Glory, Honor, and all Praises to the Most High God!!!!

I do not understand anything I see

This is an exercise designed to help us see things with a fresh eye, and to understand how little we know about the things we see. For someone with as many judgemental tendencies as me, this is an important exercise. It helps me to see that I don't know all the thngs I think I know; I don't know nearly as much as I think I know.

You know how it is. You look at someone and make a judgement. They're too fat, too thin, too short too tall, too loud, too softspoken, too drunk, too uptight -- it doesn't matter what the judgement is. What matters is that we are all a form of the character "The Judgemental Bastard;" we all see things, think we understand, and make snap decisions (sometimes taking action) bsaed on what we think we know.

If we develop the habit or ealizing how much we don't know (sort of like the intellecuatl equivalent of picking up our cross daily, but by laying down our ego instead of picking up our cross) -- if we develop the habit of realizing how much we don't know, perhaps we can open ourselves up to learn somehing.

More will be revealed.....

I have given everything that I see all the meaning that it has for me

No, I haven't gone Buddhist or even particularly New Age. But reality is only what we perceive it to be, and in the process of perception, we humans are busily assinging meanings and value. That's how we make things make sense.

The growth comes in realizing that the meanings I happen to have attached to things are not the absolute meanings; they are simply meanings I have attached. The only Aboslute in the universe is The Divine. Everything else is an attempt to reach and/or understand The Divine.

Things, objects, are meaningless. They have no intrinsic value. Their only value is the value I assign to them. That gives me quite a lot of power in creating my world, no?

Nothing I see means anything

Going over my Course in Miracles work again. Have been exposed to this work for at least the last 30 years, but previously lacked the spiritual maturity to go through the exercises. In an attempt to undo the embedded misperceptions we develop from living in this world, I'm going to start practicing some of these exercises. The first one involves simply looking at the spiritual world around me and realizing that none of it means anything. When we consider our religious traditions and the way we attach meaning and assume implicit meanings (the Bible is holy and revered, as is the cross), we overlook the reality that it is not the OBJECTS that are holy, but what they represent. When we focus on objects rather than the underlying principles, I believe, we have an opportunity to limit ourselves and to limit God. We serve an infinite, limitless God, One Who has no boundaries. It's important to clear our thinking so that we don't impose boundaries that do not exist.

I don't agree with everything in the Course, but believe there's a lot of good stuff there. I think some of the exercises are good spiritual exercises. The last time I went through this material was in 1997, so it will be interesting to go through it again.

People don't care how much you know; They want to know how much you care.

Heard my Bishop state this today, and thought it was worth repeating. Wish I could think of something else to write, but it's been a LOOOOONG conference. I did get appointed Associate Pastor of williams. But that seems almost anticlimactic. There were so many things happening at Conference, but I can barely keep my eyes open.

...but it seems I can't go to sleep without writing on what it means to live a life that is holy and acceptable to God. I've just come back from a weeklong conference where people have outward displays of religiosity -- where people "act holy," if you will. But what about our hearts? Am I the only one who senses a disconnect between some of the things people say or their ecstatic expressions within the boundaries of church, versus things that happen OUTside the church?

This inside/outside thing has come up for me lately as I sat beside someone who has some mobility challenges. The person I sat beside was not the only person in the room with such challenges; one man (who had stood and cooked for many years) had a recent below-knee amputation. While my friend and I discussed it, the proud older man with the below-knee amputation turned his scooter around and left the assembly when this guy got up and made an incredibly insensitive joke about someone having their leg amputated and not having a leg to stand on.

It's not the crassness that gets me. If you're operating under the gifts of the spirit, wouldn't the spirit first prevent you from saying something that could be hurtful to your brother or sister? That brings me to the original question: What does it mean to live a life that is holy and acceptable to God? There are external things we can do: we can go to church and pretend to pray and give our tithes and offerings and visit the sick and all that. But when we go to church and the Spirit of the Lord descends upon us and begins to point things out to us -- when we pray and we take our problems and concerns and cares to the Lord and leave them there -- when we give our tithes even when we can't see our way clear to do so, trusting only that God's GRACE is sufficient to supply all our needs -- when we visit the sick and find that, while we came to comfort them, we leave with them having strengthened us -- when we begin to allow the Holy Spirit not only to enter in, bu to TRANSFORM our hearts and minds and bodies and spirits and ACTIONS, perhaps then we can begin to learn how to live a life that is holy and acceptable to God.

But until we take an honest look at how we're living, a look that is not colored by our status or by what we "want" our condition to be -- until we take a look at ourselves from the point of view of "the least of these," then perhaps we don't have a clear picture of what we're working with. And if we don't have a clear picture of what we're working with, how can we have a clear understanding of the work we need to do?

I need to get to a sports doctor to figure out why my legs cramp all the time. I need to create a couple of CME polity courses for NYTS that we can offer at District and Annual conferences. I need to plan a CME Trip for which students can receive NYTS credit. And once the agency is headed to a more stable place, I need to start on a Ph.D. in Church History. A good place to start would be to get one of those underwater mp3 players and study my Hebrew while I swim, since I also need to do some swimming interval training and get my VO2 up....

Glorify God. Just Do It.

Thursday, August 5

Why do we reward incompetence? The whole idea of social promotion, of maintaining the status quo -- why do we do it? What's the advantage to an organization or to a society to engage in this practice? Who does it serve? What's the point of it? It seems to me that if something in our area of responsibility is out of order, does not God cvall us to make our best effort to get it into order? I understand that the battle is not ours, it's the Lord's, but that doesn't mean we lie down and/or roll over in the face of the enemy. I can't help but believe that God gives us gifts and expects us to use them; God's grace is sufficient, but isn't that grace revealed as much in our application of our gifts as it is in God's supernatural actions in the world? If something is amiss and is within our power to correct, why would we not?

I also have questions about Christian maturity juxtaposed against some sort of social or personal maturity. It's all too apparent that religiousity does not equal Christian maturity, and that ecstatic displays do not equal Christian maturity. Which is not to say that Christian maturity has any correlation with personal maturity. I guess my point is that a lack of personal maturity can allow a person to end up in a place where they display behaviors that mimic what that person believes to be outward signs of Christian maturity.

It worked when I was thinking it.


So I've been away from my office for a week, and my (now former) secretary apparently bamboozled a Board member into terminating someone. I shared some facts with the Board member, and then heard my secretary had resigned effective immediately. I can't even react to it. There's so much drama in the world; so much drama....

Thoughts from Annual Conference

So I'm here at Annual Conference. We're halfway through, and today is Missionary Day. As I struggle to remember what colors are supposed to be worn for which breakfast, lunch, and dinner event, and as I balk at paying $30.00 for breakfast (that's the same as the one the hotel offers) and being asked for $10.00 to $50.00 for the offering in each of the three daily worship services, it occurs to me that we spend too much time DOing (the business of) church and not enough time BEING the church. Why in the world are we putting on white suits and parading around to commemorate the missionaries. How about something like, I don't know -- mission work? Nah. That's out. Somebody might break a nail or get their suits dirty.

And regarding the offerings: I don't think of myself as a particularly cheap person. Frugal, yes, but not cheap. I believe in giving to and through the church. But I also believe in stewardship. We get repeated requests for money, but what's being done with it? How is it being used for Kingdombuilding? I don't understand why we're having a convention in a fancy hotel that serves $15.00 hamburgers, one that is so uncomfortably expensive for most of our congregants that they've had to offer a cheaper option (5 wings or 5 chicken tenders or 2 hotdogs or a hamburger for $5.00. Not a veggie in sight). I don't understand why we're having a convention in a fancy hotel that serves $15.00 hamburgers when many of our congregants will return to their home and use food stamps or food pantries to survive. Seems to me we could find a better use for the money than spending it in hotels. True, you can't put a cost on fellowship, and true this is an opportunity for the extended family which is our church to congregates, but I as I look around, every organization I'm aware of has had to tighten its belt and cut costs. Many times those cost cutting measures include slashing salaries or entire jobs. How can we not be mindful of that as we plan events?

I've noticed what I perceive to be an inclination of some people of color to behave quite rudely to service staff. I'm not sure if it's a falsely heightened sense of importance (we who were once the servants are now being served) or a response to a prior situation (I'm going to transfer to you all the hostility I've felt at having to serve or be considered less-than for all these years), but in the end it doesn't really matter. The behavior, in my estimation, is not acceptable. It's usually displayed towards non-English speaking people in subservient roles, and, as I said, is not behavior I consider acceptable. I get that it may have some sort of ethnic and/or socioeconomic slant, but especially at a place like this (a church conference) it leaves me wondering "(How) Does our Christian witness transcend and transform our cultural/ethnic boundaries and identities?" We talk about Christ doing a New Thing in us. We talk about being New Creations in Christ Jesus, yet we display the same old attitudes and behaviors. What kind of Christian witness is that? I need a discussion board with this blog.

I remember starting weight watchers once and saying how I didn't want to be the stereotypical fat black churchlady. As I look around, it appears that most of our members are obese; given that this is a conference where some of us see each other only once a year, the changes in some people are quite marked. There's never any mention of our collective obesity, and we're always selling tickets for fatty, carb-laden meals and we're the ones behind the horrible food mentioned above (although I think I just saw a salad!). But my question is this: How can institutionally encouraged obesity be Godly? How can intentional obesity be Godly? What about maintaining the body, which is the temple of the soul? It seems that we Christians rant and rave about lots of things concerning the body (I'm thinking sexuality here), but this is a big pink elephant in the middle of the room and nobody, to my knowledge, is acknowledging it. What about overeating, our general tendencies towards overindulgence? We have a culture of gathering and eating (eat and greet, chit chat chew, etc.), but we also have an historical Christian history of table fellowship. Again, I think the issue here is balance, and I don't know that I have an answer.

It's about 1 and they're just starting the "noon" worship service. Everybody wants to get up and put their $0.02 in, the Bishop allows them, and then we run way over time. I think time management is a form of stewardship, and I think our church is in dire need of better stewardship -- of both chronological and financial resources.

As I said, everyone wants to get up and put their $0.02 in. While I understand that preachers need to make their reports, I can't help but think some of them are self-promoting. It makes me think about when Jesus talked about the folks praying in the synagogue: he told them they could have their rewards here or above. Seems to me that people who need to always say something, who always fall out and start shouting when they're in church but never when they're on 5th Ave or behind the wheel of a car -- seems to me that many of those folk seem to need a little recognition. I don't know; I think I'd rather wait and get mine above, but that's just me. It's not my place to judge what other people do, and I don't want to underestimate the importance of people's testimony. I guess I kinda think that if we developed a habit of thanking and praising God individually and on a regular basis, we wouldn't make such a spectacle of doing it when we got around other people. But that's just me.

Was talking with someone about my thoughts on homosexuality. You know, how God loves us all, and how, if we're gonna pick and choose which parts of the Bible we believe to be authoritative, that I'd just as soon pick those that talk about Jesus' love, and leave the condemnation to God. So we got to talking about things, and about how our theological framework informs our treatment of others. I kinda think there is no undergirding theological framework in our church; that's part of the problem. But as individuals, we should have some sort of theological viewpoint, as opposed to just a tradition of religion. The tradition of religion does not give us a space from which to respond to "other" -- people who are LGBT; people who are physically, mentally, or emotionally challenged; people who don't fit into our little molds. If we have no theological framework, but only a tradition of religion, then we respond to the "other" from a place of judgement or fear; if we have some sort of theological framework then presumably that framework would guide how we respond to "other." At the end of the day, we need to understand that our treatment of "others" is a reflection of our Christian witness. Perhaps if we understood that, if we could truly walk with one another in true love and charity, as opposed to doing the things we think we should do if we had love and charity -- if we truly did unto others as we would have them do unto us -- then perhaps this world would be a better place.

I've written this blog, and they're still inside singing and carrying on. We're more than an hour late, and they still haven't figured out how to shorten the service. Is that still worship? Is it worship if it's completely predictable and makes everybody's day late? How does that glorify God? I'm gonna listen to my vmail and perhaps by then they will have started preaching....

And here we go...

Just when you think you're getting over, it happens. I'd gone several days without posting -- (I had my reasons: a hectic schedule in NC with a wedding, then straight from there to annual conference in VA. There's always a reason to not do what we've committed to doing) -- and just when I thought I was getting over, my friend Robin blows me up and announces the blog to my friends on FB. Not that it was a secret, but when you tell people stuff, they tend to take notice (so all y'all with google accounts, just follow me if you want, and you can be alerted whenever I have a new post).

First the wedding. It was just AWESOME!!! Whitney Lea Campbell and Ross Matthew Christensen wed in Holy Matrimony at the First Presbyterian Church in Durham, NC on Friday, July 30, at 4:30 in the afternoon. The rehearsal was on Thursday, and I flew into NC on Thursday morning. The plane was delayed by thunderstorms, but I got there within an hour of when I said I would. My room wasn't ready, so I used the hotel bathroom (Hampton Inn, where my brother works and where I get the family and friends discount) I used the hotel bathroom to change and go over to the Duke Sports Medicine Department. About a year ago, I saw something like "fat comedian" on tv. He went through all these physiological tests to measure just how fat and out of shape he was. He did it at some elite sports testing lab in California. This was shortly after the 2008 summer Olympics, and I'd heard all about various athletes' physical capacities, so on a lark, I emailed Duke to see if they had anything like that. They did. It's called the K-lab, and it's where they test elite athletes. So I went and they measured body fat in something called a bod pod, max VO2, and I got some swimming coaching lessons. The first test was in about June 2009. Now that I've lost 100 lbs (only 94.3 from the last time I weighed there), I thought it would be good to test again.

So ANYway, I got over to Duke, did my testing, and then went to the wedding rehearsal. The Church wedding planner, a woman named Kate, was phenomenal. She had incredible precision and really had a knack for doing weddings. I also think she drove the big pickup truck in the church parking lot plastered with "People of Faith for Obama" bumper stickers. The wedding was lovely -- Whitney's colors were champagne and pink, we did a tying of the knot in addition to the exchange of vows and rings, and the reception was at the Carolina Inn (in Chapel Hill), my first time being on that property.

Saturday I got to visit family and run around Chapel Hill; Sunday I got to visit St. Joseph where I did not preach, which was good because I had to leave at 12:30. Hopefully they're inviting me back in October to preach for Founder's Day.

From NC, I came up to the DC area, to Vienna, VA. The good news is that I'll see Diana, a friend from Milton, this week. She's not at the church conference, she lives in the area. This will be our first opportunity in 35 years to sit and have a conversation, so I'm excited about that.

The conference is an annual meeting of preachers and other members of our church. Every year I'm reminded of our character -- we're not the frozen chosen, we're not necessarily holy rollers, we're not all that theologically astute -- we're just a bunch of people who love the Lord and who love the traditions of our church. Even when they don't make a whole lot of sense. I've posted previously on some of the things we do, and while I came downstairs to post about the church, I didn't realize I'd go on for soooo long. I'll write more on the church later.

I want to note that my body is constantly improving, and I'm going to continue working on it. I'd like to maintain good health into triple digits, and I believe it's possible, even for a person who's lived with cancer and diabetes. I'm not going to post my physiological profile here, but I'm going to try to live as long and as well as I can. Towards that end, I started the day with a swim at 6 am, then had another swim this evening. I want to get to a point where I do two-a-days, and here at conference may be the only place I ever have time for that. I'm thinking if I can just get the body into the habit and develop a bit of momentum, that perhaps I could build on it and continue the good works.

All that to say that I really want to get to bed at a decent hour, so I'm not going to the concert or anything else; I'm going to bed.